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c5s_ppc_agents
Dear Ambellina 
8th-Jun-2010 09:36 am
I must not shirk the Duty
Part two of mission "Dear Ambellina". Warnings for strong language again.

As the portal closed behind them, the agents spotted the unnamed messenger about ten feet away. Having served his purpose in the story, he was simply wandering around aimlessly near the Black Gate.

“Do we need to charge him?” Nat asked. “We didn’t charge the other one.”

“You were in too much of a rush to kill her first. We’re supposed to kill original characters after giving them the charge list, not before.”

“Well, charge him, then.”

“I’m killing him. You charge him.”

“I’ve not been keeping the charges.”

Cassie looked like she would quite happily have slugged her partner just then, but instead chose to march over to the messenger and grab hold of his shoulder. She looked into his bewildered eyes and gritted out, “Unnamed Messenger of Sauron, by my authority as an Agent of the PPC I charge you with being a bit character, with making your actions ‘threaten armies’, with being an air of polite condescension… er… Actually, I can’t think of any more charges.” She looked somewhat deflated for a moment. “Oh, what the hell.” She shrugged and drew her sword.

“Cass!” Nat rushed in and dragged her back. “You can’t kill him just for that! He’s practically non-existent.”

“He’s not canon. By definition, he needs to be removed.”

“Yes, but three charges, two of which are just for bad grammar, are not grounds for killing. Besides, I reckon he should get points back for giving the ‘Sue rope burns.”

“So what do you suggest we do with him?”

“Uh… We could recruit him.”

“What is going on here?” the messenger said, as the scene finally got through to him. Nat glanced at her now-sulking partner, and decided to just get on with it.

“I’m Nat, and this is Cassie. We’re Agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum.”

“The what?”

“The Protectors of the Plot Continuum,” she repeated. “We come into this kind of place -” she gestured distractedly at their surroundings - “and kill Mary Sues.”

“What are Mary Sues?”

“Girls like Ambellina.” He looked vaguely interested, and she decided to push her advantage. “We’d like to make you an offer.”

“What would this offer be?”

“You could join us. Well, join the PPC.”

“Is there an alternative?”

“Yep. You can choose to stay here, and then Cassie can kill you.” Cassie’s eyes lit up at that sentence.

“I will join,” he replied hurriedly. Having an irritated Orc-lookalike look happy at the idea of killing him seemed to have nudged his self-preservation instinct.

“Good. Nice to meet you… oh, yeah, you don’t have a name, do you?”

“No.”

“I’ll give you one then, shall I? Let me see…”

“How about ‘Grignr’?” Cassie put in, rather acidly.

“Absolutely not. Do you want him to get battered the moment he gets to HQ - wait, stupid question. I know. What do you think of ‘Tyler’?” The last comment was addressed to the messenger.

“Tyler…” He thought it over for a few moments. “Very well. It sounds suitable.”

“Good. Now, you need to go to Headquarters. We’ve got to stay here and deal with this fic, so you’ll have to go on your own. Here.” She opened a portal to the Marquis de Sod’s office. “Just go through there and tell the daisy that you’ve been recruited. He’ll deal with you.”

“Daisy?”

“Yeah. He’s gonna be your boss, so be polite. Now shift yourself.” She nudged the newly named Tyler through the portal and watched it close. “Well, that wasn’t so bad.”

“Says you. I wanted to kill him.”

“What is it with you and killing things?”

“My natural homicidal instincts, maybe. Well, come on. If I can’t kill him, I want to go back and get some more charges.”

“Talk about a one-track mind,” Nat complained as she checked the Words. “I’m skipping us ahead to the bit where she gets described.”

“What, you don’t want to see the bit where she angsts about Legolas and decides that he’s dead? Lack of dedication, I say.”

“Well, I’ve been more dedicated to keeping you under control half the time.”

“So I’m enthusiastic. Sue me.”

“I don’t think so. I do not want to have to exorcise you, or whatever they call it.”

“I meant -”

“I know what you meant. I don’t feel like getting into a legal argument either. Just come on.”

“Then I suppose you will be giving me to the Orcs, Sauron,” Ambellina said quietly, hanging her head again. “I care not.”
“I told you not to use that name, Sprite!” He snarled, taking her jaw in his hand. “And I will make you care. I will make you care so deeply that it hurts, and you will lose what you are and who you once were.”
When he turned his gaze to her face, he was pleased beyond anything he could say. Her features were comely, although he did not much care for exemplary looks. She had the delicacy of bone that was renowned among the Elves, and her mouth was full and ripe as fruit. Her eyes, large and wide in her face, were the color of ice, with a drop of blue. When he looked into them after he spoke, he expected to see rage, sorrow, or even malice there, but he did not.
Her eyes were empty.


“Gahgahgaaaaaaaaaaah.” Nat shook her head as they stepped back into the room. “Icky purple prose.” She pulled out the Bleeprin and took a handful.

“It’s not urple, then?” Cassie was cheerfully scribbling down charges.

“I can’t tell at the moment. Shall I check Sauron’s OOC-ness?” She waved the CAD at the Maia without waiting for an answer.

[Sauron. Maia. Canon. OOC 8.25%]

“Is that all?”

“Well, I suppose threatening such ‘meen’ things is supremely in character for him. I think it’s the description that’s done it. I’m still charging for sending him OOC, though.”

“You do that. Now, are we going to move before the -”

There was a shudder, and they suddenly found themselves in a nondescript place, completely featureless except for the Words telling them about Sauron’s Orc-breeding programme.

“- chapter change,” Nat finished. Seeing nothing else to do, both Agents read through the words.

Sauron had long since called a group of Orcs to him, and these he bred with special care. Slowly but surely, he had made the Orcs better. Although they were pure Orc, they were raised to fight, and to kill, without a second thought. Sauron had taken an already-vicious race and made them far worse, which is essentially what he did to everything.
He kept most of these Orcs, and a select few goblins, in outposts near Minas Morgul and Barad-Dûr, keeping watch on his lands and all that Sauron called his. The rest of his fighters, he kept in a large dungeon beneath Barad-Dur, to train them and to teach them to be ruthless. There were no laws in that dungeon, except the law of the Dark Lord Sauron.
After the Sprite’s torment against the wall, he threw her into the dungeon with the Orcs. He fully intended to leave her down there longer than any Orc or goblin he had needed to train, because he would get one chance at this, and he wanted her to be perfect. The only warning he gave the Orcs, unbeknownst to Ambellina, was that they could not kill her. Anything else they could get from her, they were most welcome to.


“Okay, that was pointless, apart from blatantly setting up random abuse by Orcs,” Cassie said as the dungeon materialised around them, “but at least we have a location now instead of random rooms.”

“We do?”

“A dungeon under Barad-Dur, apparently. Or Barad-Dûr. One of the two. If she’s going to spell it wrong, can’t she do it consistently?” A pair of mini-Balrogs had popped into existence and wandered over to them. Cassie scooped them up into a hug. “Aww, aren’t they cute?”

“Cass, are we going to get this every time we run across a mini?”

“Probably. Aww, izzybizzybabee… ow!” She had just been thwapped across the head with a backpack swung by her partner. “What was that for?”

“Because it’s even more disturbing watching you be maternal over little fiery demons than it is seeing you going berserk and killing people,” Nat replied, putting the pack down. “Save it for some time when we’re not on a mission, will you?”

“Fine… Hang on, did she just mention magic?” Nat peered at the Words, and nodded.

“Yep, but she hasn’t used it yet.”

“Damn. As soon as she does, I’m charging.”

“Middle-earth has magic, though, doesn’t it?”

“Kind of, but I’ll bet it’s not like hers.” They turned their attention to the Sprite, who was currently curled up in a corner.

“Fresh meat,” someone growled from off to her left, and Ambellina jumped, moving to the right.
Another voice sounded from her right side, and somehow she knew without being told that she was surrounded. Even if she called magic, she was not yet skilled enough to hit multiple targets, and there were at least three Orcs coming toward her, as far as she could make out in the dim light. She pressed herself harder against the wall and waited for them to come.
The first Orc grabbed her, and she rent his chest with her nails, breaking two of them in the process. He gave her the same courtesy, but his claws went far deeper than hers had, and she bled from her shoulder. The third Orc moved behind her and grabbed her wrists, holding her arms behind her back, with just enough pressure to let her know that he would break her with no thought.


“Oh, no, she broke her nails. What a tragedy,” Cassie deadpanned.

“Well, in the next sentence they’re claws, according to the Words.”

“Huh?”

“‘His claws went far deeper than hers’,” Nat quoted. “So she has claws now.”

“Right… Oh, dear Eru.” Cassie’s rage was building again. “She’s put in a bloody gratuitous rape scene! Where’s that portal thingy?” She started scrabbling around in her bag, leaving Nat to watch the unfolding scene.

“Cass -”

“I’m not sitting here to watch this -”

“No, hang on -”

“This better be good -”

“She’s using magic.”

“She’s what?” Cassie’s attention immediately snapped back to the Sue. Sure enough, she was calling magic to choke one of the Orcs attacking her. “How much more of this garbage is there?”

“Let me see… there’s eight chapters altogether, so five more to go. I reckon we can grab her in chapter six, though.”

“Three more… oh, fine.”

There was a sudden blackout and time jump, as they shifted forwards to the next day and Sauron suddenly appeared in the room.

When she woke, Sauron stood over her with a displeased look on his face. She curled on her side, her body curving in on itself until she was in a ball, and then she let herself cry. Ambellina knew from the fiery pain between her legs that the Orcs had achieved their end, and she remembered specific things about each of them, although the rest of their features were lost in a haze of grimy night.

Even in her current mood, Cassie couldn’t hold back her amusement as the ‘Sue curled up and turned into a ball, which then started crying. The two Agents sat back and made themselves comfortable as Sauron and Ambellina argued. After a while, Sauron made her drink some water to “recharge her powers” (at which Cassie twitched noticeably) and threw her back to the Orcs. This manifested itself as him actually throwing her across the dungeon towards the Random Orcs which had just appeared.

She hid again, knowing that soon enough, they would follow the scent of blood and find her. She feared that she would die in this lonely, stinking darkness, after she had sworn to live on in the name of her people. So when the next Orcs came near her, she slew them from a distance with her magic, concentrating on one until he was dead, and then moving to the next.

“Brace yourself!” Nat leaned back against the wall as the next chapter appeared, along with a time jump of several weeks.

“Ugh…” Cassie and the minis had just managed to brace themselves, but the time-jumps definitely weren’t getting any easier to deal with. More Bleeprin was consumed, as Ambellina’s extremely rapid descent into Sauron’s service was noted and she was taken to see him.

“Sprite!” He exclaimed as she entered. She stood before him, grimy and dirty, and perhaps rather thinner than she had been a few weeks before, but there was something harder in her now.
“Sauron.” She smirked, cocking one hip outward and resting her hand upon it. Sauron in turn smirked, though she could not see it.
“I have warned you of calling me by that name, Sprite. I would learn to behave if I were you,” Sauron said simply, taking from a low table a set of twin swords, wrapped in black sheaths. “I brought you a gift, just as I said I would. Perhaps these will make your training easier, and your exhaustion less. They are keen blades.” He held them out to her, bending just slightly at the waist as he did so.


“So he’s being polite to her? Since when was he polite to anyone?” Nat enquired.

“Not since before he made the One Ring, I reckon. Or maybe it’s when the Númenoreans captured him. Bloody hell, I can’t even tell when we are, she’s being so vague.”

“I believe this may be the only time you have done something you said you would.” Ambellina took the swords from him, bowing as she did so. “I warn you, this gift is not accepted to further your needs, but mine. To continue slaying Orcs by magic would have me dead ere long.”

“And she’s being polite back!”

“Cass, she can see us!” Nat dragged her partner out of sight of the two characters. “Will you please try to keep calm for just five minutes?”

“I am calm.”

“Try and be calmer.”

They stayed out of sight, checking the Words for anything they might have missed while Sauron and Ambellina chatted casually about killing Orcs.

“Oh, come on. Let’s portal to an actual charge. All that happens here is her wandering around for a while killing Orcs.”

“Right. Let’s see… Okay, portal to that bit.” Nat had to look hard to read the Words, but got the location and opened the portal. Cassie picked up Barad-Dur and Barad-Dûr and stepped through the glowing blue doorway, skipping almost two years in the process.

“Sprite, I believe the time has come for us to go to war. What say you?” Sauron asked, offering her a cup of water. Ambellina took it gladly, happy to have her thirst quenched with something other than Orc blood.
“I would say that your Orcs are nowhere near ready for a war,” Ambellina murmured over the rim of her cup, shifting her balance to the other side of her body. “But I am ready. I will kill for you, as you bid me. Just do not subject me to the boredom of the Orc pits again.”
“You have grown far beyond what Orcs and goblins and other beasts of darkness can do for you. Now, you will lead my armies against those of Middle Earth, and we shall see who will fair the better,” Sauron laughed then, a cruel sound all on its own. “What do you remember of your past, Sprite?”
“I have no past. I was sprung into being to serve you, Lord,” she replied softly, taking another long drink of cool, clean water.
“Good. It is good of you to remember this. And where do you hail from?” Sauron posed the question innocently, bidding a servant to refill her cup of water. He did so, and she sipped from it gladly before she gave her answer.
“I hail from Barad-Dur, the Dark Tower of my Lord, as I have always done.” She gave the answer that Sauron was expecting, the answer that he had been teaching her over the last few months.


“Okay. So he’s got her to change sides in just two years. I thought she was immortal,” Cassie complained. “Two years is nothing.” The Barad-minis nodded and hissed as Middle Earth, another mini, approached. Cassie was about to start cooing over him, but she spotted Nat reaching for her pack and decided to just give the new mini a hug.

Nat re-read the last few paragraphs. “‘…who will fair the better’? What does that mean?” she enquired, unsure whether it was a legitimate phrase or not.

“It doesn’t mean anything, unless they’re planning to see who can set up a better funfair or something,” Cassie replied absently, examining the words. “So he’s got what he wanted from her… oh sod chapter change coming up portalportalportal!” Nat frantically typed in the next location and the five of them dived through it.

***

They ended up sprawled in a heap somewhere in the Dark Tower. Nearby, they heard Sauron and the ‘Sue talking about an invasion into Gondor. After a few moments of disentangling themselves, the little group were listening carefully.

“That is why you will be on horseback, Sprite. I will not have you injured because my Orcs were too slow to defend my prize,” he sighed as he caressed her hair, brushing it behind her shoulders. “Would you prefer to be armored, or will you wear what you wear now?”
Ambellina paused, thinking it over and looking over the same dress that she had worn since she came to her Master. It had been cleaned and patched, and more so since she had begun to behave as he wanted her to, but perhaps the Emissary of Sauron should wear something more than a tattered dress.
“I think perhaps I should be in full armor. I will be representing you on the battlefield, my Lord, and I would not wish to put you to shame.” Ambellina bowed from the waist, and Sauron tucked his hand beneath her chin and bade her to rise from her bow before she had even completed it.
“So long as you perform on the battlefield as I have seen you do, then I will not be shamed. Such is your wish that I will grant it, because it is not asked of vanity for yourself,” Sauron murmured tenderly, tucking her hair behind her ear. “You will bathe tonight, Sprite, and look so fresh in the morning that your beauty will be both terrible and lovely to behold.”
“You think me beautiful, master?” Ambellina looked up at him, her blue eyes wide and full of gratitude at his tender touch.
“You are indeed beautiful, and made even more so because of your bloodlust. I put that into you, Sprite, and it has flourished better than I would ever have thought in your veins,” he smiled down at her, and then he guided her to the door.


“I don’t even want to know how out of character that was for Sauron,” Cassie muttered angrily. “Stupid bint. He’s evil. He’s the bloody Dark Lord. He’s not going to get all mushy over a girl no matter how pretty she is.”

“I’m tired,” was Nat’s only response.

“Actually…” Cassie yawned, “so am I. Let’s find somewhere to hide for the night, and we can follow her on her little trip tomorrow. She’s just going to have a bath and sleep now.”

This plan was readily accepted, and they sneaked out of the badly-described Dark Tower to find somewhere peaceful nearby. Having found said peaceful place behind a random pile of rocks (of which there was no shortage in Mordor), the agents and mini-Balrogs made a comfortable little camp. Cassie pulled out her “Eye of Argon” MST copy, and Nat, as usual, produced her Walkman.

“Will you keep that thing turned down this time? We don’t want everything in Mordor to hear it.”

“Sure.”

A short while later, both Agents were asleep, rolled up in sleeping bags, with three miniature Maiar curled up nearby.

***

Nat peered blearily at her partner, whose rendition of “What Is This Feeling?” had woken her up. “Do you gwaedlyd mind?”

“…I loathe it all, ev’ry little trait, however small - huh? Sorry. I’ve been waiting for you to get up for a while now.”

“Why?” Despite wanting to go back to sleep, Nat sat up and made herself pay attention. “Have we missed anything?”

“Let’s see. We’ve had Barad-dûr randomly shifting to be right next to the Black Gate and Sauron claiming that he has Elven-style powers over his horses, or that his horses are Elvish, I can’t figure which. Oh yeah, and we apparently jumped about a year overnight. And the army set off.”

“What army?”

“The one our Sue’s meant to be leading out to Gondor.”

“Oh, Cass! Come on, we need to follow them!” Nat packed her stuff away as quickly as possible. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I figured you could do with the sleep.”

“I think the mission’s a bit more important than me getting an extra five minutes in bed…” She paused, looking extremely shocked. “Did I actually just say that?”

“Yep.”

Nat shook her head “Okay, I’m officially going mad.”

“You already are,” Cassie pointed out, picking up her backpack. “You joined the PPC, didn’t you?”

“Fair point.” Nat zipped her pack and shrugged it on. “Which way did they go?”

“Um… thataway, I think.” Cassie pointed, and they set off.

Several hours later, they made a unanimous decision to portal to the next real muck-up of Canon, having realised that Ambellina and her army were way ahead of them.

They stepped into a massacre.

Almost as soon as they exited Mordor, they encountered a small village, and she knew from looking at maps that this village considered itself part of Gondor. She halted her steed and commanded the Orcs forth. They ran full tilt now, hungry for blood and battle. Ambellina rode in with them, drawing her swords and holding tight to the horse with her knees, slashing down villagers as they ran amok before her.
The villagers were beginning to flee from the village when she called magic, and the few villagers that had made it past the Orcs began to choke on her power. Sprite magic was not meant to be used so, and as such, Ambellina had to sing to force her magic to work. As she slaughtered women, children and men alike, her voice rang out over all of them, lovely and yet terrible as they watched their families drown, miles from any water.


“You little BITCH!” Once again, Nat was forced to drag Cassie into hiding, this time aided by the three minis.

“Cass, shut up or I’m going to lamp you one!” The Agent in question was almost incoherent with rage, with only about one word in ten being understandable.

“Arrogant… screwing… up… slandering… nobody… singing… half-Maia… letmeatherI’mgonnakillher!”

“Cassie! Last warning!” After this was met with still more struggling and completely unintelligible vocalisations, Nat sighed and hit her partner squarely in the face. This effectively silenced her, more out of shock than anything else. Before she could start struggling again, Nat said quickly, “Just tell me what was so bad about that scene, apart from all the blood.”

“Fine. Let me up.” Cassie’s voice was strangely calm, considering the state she’d been in just seconds previously. Uncertainly, Nat let go of her, but positioned herself so that she could jump into action immediately if necessary.

“All right. You’re up. Now will you please explain?”

“Which canon characters do you know who performed magic by singing?”

“I’m not all that good with this Canon, Cass.”

“Does the name Lúthien Tinúviel ring any bells?”

“Um…”

“She’s probably the most famous person in Middle-earth. You remember a while back, I said she kicked Sauron’s ass back in the First Age?”

“Yeah…”

“That’s partly why she’s famous. I’d tell you more, but we’re kind of strapped for time at the moment. When we get back to HQ, I’ll lend you the books. For now, let’s just say that what that ‘Sue did was a complete rip-off of her. Now come on. Let’s go back to Barad-dûr - no, it’s Barad-Dur now, isn’t it? - and watch the happy reunion.” Nat decided that discretion was the better part of survival and input the co-ordinates into the RA.

***

“…I’ve already got the charge for mucking up the timelines.”

“Okay. I was just checking.”

After several large helpings of chocolate and Bleeprin, Cassie’s mood had improved, but Nat was still wary of her. Ambellina had just returned to the Dark Tower, and the two young women were waiting near the nondescript room of Sauron’s, listening to the ‘Sue and the OOC Dark Lord talking about the next battle.

“I can only assume that you have completed the task I set for you, Sprite?” Sauron asked, taking her slender shoulders in his large hands. Ambellina nodded.
“Of course, master. You gave me a task,” she said as though it were simple logic. Sauron only smiled wider at this answer.
“Good. I have heard word that the remaining Men, Elves and Dwarves are planning to invade Mordor,” he murmured, stepping away from her and consulting his map.


“I’m fairly certain that Dwarves never fought in Mordor. They might have been part of the Free Peoples, but they didn’t really bother too much at this point - I think most of them were still hiding out in Moria.”

“Well, charge, then.”

“I am doing.”

“Good.” The minis were sitting nearby, apparently chatting.

“Shall I take care of them for you?” she asked, coming to stand beside him. Sauron shook his head, tracing their planned path with his fingertips.
“No, no, my Sprite. I have a far better plan,” he smiled as he spoke, looking down at her. “I will let them come into Mordor, and then we shall attack. By us, I do not mean my lovely Sprite and her Orc warriors. You will stand at my side, and we will smite all who near us.”
“Oh, thank you, master!” she exclaimed, kneeling down and kissing his knuckles.
Sauron tugged her gently to her feet, turning her toward the map to explain where he wanted her Orc soldiers positioned as the contingent would come into Mordor. He would gladly open the Black Gates for a chance to destroy all hopes of victory for them, and only if the battle went badly would he and his Sprite be called on. Ambellina absorbed all that he told her, and she made a vow to herself that day.
She would protect her master, come what may.


“Chapter change,” Cassie noted casually, bracing herself against the wall. “Is this the one where we get her?”

“Yep. We’ve got a few more minutes, and then they go out into the battle.”

“We still don’t know when this battle is.”

“She’s going to have to tell us at some point.”

“Maybe.”

Ambellina and Sauron sat in a stone room, taking their food as they kept a wary eye on the battle raging just outside the Black Gates. Although the Gates hung open, no one had yet made it inside, except the Orcs who were getting beaten back into the land of Mordor, falling in great numbers. The messengers that the Dark Lord sent forth came back with the same news, and as they finished eating, Sauron stood.
“It is time, my Sprite. If we leave them much longer, there will be few Orcs left for our defense,” Sauron said as he replaced his helmet. Ambellina nodded.
“This is true, Lord,” She said as she readjusted her armor and her swords, strapping her helmet on last.


The Agents hurried out of the tower before the ‘Sue spotted them hanging around in the corridor. They followed her through the fight as unobtrusively as they could, especially after she was separated from Sauron, though Cassie’s eyes grew hard when Ambellina began using her ‘magic’ song again.

Sauron hit the King of Men with a mighty stroke, and he was thrown against the rock wall, where he lay unmoving. His son, Isildur, leaped forward and took up his father’s sword, though it broke under Sauron’s iron-shod foot. He used the shards left to him and cut the Ring from Sauron’s finger. Sauron fell, disappearing into ash and so much smoke, his power fading.

“Hallelujah!” Cassie cheered. “We have a time frame! It’s the Last Alliance… which took all of a day?”

“Comment later. We need to go. Grab her now!”

Ambellina’s voice choked off as she saw her master fall…

…although the strong arm wrapping around her neck might have had something to do with it as well. Before she could even try to fight back, she was yanked backwards through something that glowed a strange colour of blue.

***

Cassie had done quite a good job of gagging and securing Ambellina, Nat thought as she stepped back from the scene to examine it. The Sprite wasn’t going to get out of her cocoon of rope any time soon. After checking for danger - they had portalled to Mirkwood, after all - Nat decided to intervene in Cassie’s personal form of therapy.

“All right, Cass, you can stop kicking her now. We need her conscious so she can hear your charges. You do want to charge her, right?”

“Yes.” Cassie pulled out her notepad and flipped it open with a triumphant grin, moving so that she could look into Ambellina’s eyes. The Sprite looked bewildered at the sight; they still hadn’t removed their disguises, so Cassie’s grin looked rather out of place as she cleared her throat and proceeded to read out the charges in her most official-sounding voice.

“Ambellina, known also as Mary Sue, it is my great pleasure as a Protector of the Plot Continuum to inform you that you are charged with having a blatantly self-insertish and really stupid name, creating non-canonical races in Middle-earth and not labelling the story AU, lack of description and creating a Generic Village™, bad grammar and unfinished sentences, bad description when you do bother with it, trying to make body language ‘threaten armies’, being a warrior maid when a) your race is PEACEFUL, and b) female warriors are bloody RARE in Middle-earth, bad punctuation, making Legolas fall in love with you, causing Legolas to become out of character, being melodramatic and self-sacrificing…” She stopped and took a deep breath before continuing.

“Additionally, you are charged with being inconsistent and having the memory of a fricking goldfish, killing off your entire race just so you can angst about it, majorly mucking with timelines, turning the Ash Mountains into a city, displaying extreme stupidity, using unannounced scene changes and thereby causing physical harm to PPC Agents, sending Sauron out of character, spending an entire paragraph on describing yourself, putting in gratuitous implied rape scenes - rape is NOT a minor plot point, you stupid cow - displaying magical Mary Sue powers, creating the mini-Balrogs Barad-Dûr, Barad-Dur and Middle Earth, changing sides far too quickly, utterly screwing with geography -” she gave Ambellina a solid kick in the ribs - “giving Sauron Elvish-style powers over his horses, having an unbearably beautiful singing voice, with ripping off Lúthien Tinúviel -” this was punctuated with another, much harder kick - “making the Dwarves fight in the Last Alliance when neither the book nor the movie even suggested it, royally pissing off PPC Agents, and being a Mary Sue. For these crimes, you are sentenced to death. Do you have any last words?”

“Mphghh mmmhh gnnnh!”

“Is that all? Fine, have it your way. Nat, do you have the co-ordinates ready?”

“Ready and waiting.”

“Ambellina Mary Sue, you are sentenced to death by giant spiders. Have a nice day.” With that, Cassie heaved the ‘Sue to her feet and practically threw her through the portal. “Enjoy your meal, lads!”

Nat grinned as the sound of clicking pincers and muffled screams of agony came through the portal. She turned back to Cassie as it closed and said mildly, “Shall we head back, then?”

“Why not?” Cassie stepped through the portal, shedding her disguise and revealing a stunning bruise on her left cheek from where Nat had hit her. She quickly put everything down as two small bundles of fire came flying towards her. Nat, who had dumped her stuff as soon as she came through, said:

“Well, that was… interestin’.”

“Yep. Now you need to brush up on your Canon. Go read. I’m sending a message to Trojie about AIRQ, and then I need to find out what to do about these three cuties.”

“What’re we goin’ ta do wi’ ‘em until then?”

“Greenlead and Giml will look after them, won’t you, babies? Yes, mummy’s back now…” Nat rolled her eyes as Cassie proceeded to revert to Mini-Balrog Mommy again and headed for the book closet. Scanning the titles, she pulled out “The Silmarillion” and settled down to update her knowledge of Tolkien’s world.
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